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Minors
Plot Junior and Jack were on the couch, watching TV. Junior: Hey dad? Jack: Yeah? Junior: It's pouring. Mom's out front gardening. Pug's out back in the pool. Who should I let in first? Jack: Pug because he'll shut up after you let him in. Junior gets up and slides the back door open. Pug stops yapping and shakes off, laying near Jack's feet. Junior then opens the front door. Savannah: Why didn't you tell me it was going to rain today? Jack you promised me you would check the forecast. Ugh, this was a new blouse and I'll have throw it away because of the mud. And my hat! Oh no- Jack whispers something to Junior, mentioning how he was correct. Junior laughs. That night, Jack and Savannah are in bed. Jack: You busy tonight? Savannah: Is this...is this a booty call? Jack: Yeah. Savannah: No other girl would date you. You're lucky you have me. Jack: I've had plenty of white girls run into my arms, just never pretty ones. They're just fatties trying to steal my Starbucks and instagram it. Savannah smiles and leans in, kissing Jack. They pull up the sheets and begin to.... Cut to morning. Sunrise. Savannah was asleep, her head resting on Jack's chest. She woke but remained still. She felt him exhale then in hale. Meanwhile, at Ahmad's bar, Junior giggles, strapping an apron around his back. A drunk man staggers and limps over to Junior. Man: You look a little young. Junior: You look a little pudgy. Man: Yeah whatever. I'll take a chirley temple. Junior pours random things into a mug then silently farts in it. The man grabs it and chugs it down. Junior bursts out laughing. The man spits it all out, grabbing his throat. Man: Why you little- Ahmad: JUNIOR! Ahmad comes dashing out of his office and angrily rips the apron off of Junior. Ahmad: Sir I'm so sorry is there- Man: Whatever, you lost my buisness here. Screw you al! He staggers out of the bar. Ahmad: Stryker! Get your ass in here. Stryker wobbes in, obviously wasted. Ahmad: Are you fucking drunk on the job? Stryker: Yes maybe no I don't know. Ahmad sighs and points to Junior. Stryker tosses him out the door. Junior lands on the pavement and brushes himself off, sprinting home. Ahmad: You get wasted again and your fired. Stryker: Yes sir. He turns and pukes all over the ground. Ahmad: Shit. That night, at the house.... Junior: Ahmad kicked me out of the bar today! Jack: You can't go in there. You're to young. Junior raises his middle finger to Jack and knees him in the crotch then storms off into the room. A few hours later, Ahmad is asleep on his bed. Junior creeps in with whipped cream. He shakes the can and sprays it on Ahmad's palm. Then with a feather, Junior tickles Ahmad's nose. Ahmad grumbles and scratches his nose, getting whipped cream all of his face. Junior giggles before running out. Ahmad: JUNIOR! The next morning, Jack was slurping down cereal. Ahmad walks into the kitchen with bags under his eyes. Ahmad: I didn't sleep at all last night. Jack: I told you not to get the ultra firm matress. Ahmad: Not because of that. Your offspring kept me up all night. You need to control him. Jack: You sure you weren't hullicinating from the mattress? Ahmad: It was your child! Jack: Ok fine. Junior! No response. Jack gets up and walks into Junior's room. He was nowhere to be found. The window was open and the breeze rolled in. Jack: Shit. Meanwhile, at the Strip Club, Lego was twerking on a pole. His eyes glance at the crowd, which was a few overweight women and one man taking photos. He spots a kid. Lego: Hey! The kid turns, revealing to be Junior then takes off. Lego hops off stage and leaps over the bar and grabs Junior by his collar and drags him backstage. He throws Junior into a chair and turns around, putting his robe on. Lego: You can't be here Junior. It isn't a place for kids. Lego turns to face Junior but he wasn't there. Lego: Shit. Back at the house, Junior is in his room playing Call of Duty on Xbox One. Junior: Your fucking mother was awful in bed last night. You and me 1 v 1 right now bitch I'll trash you right now white trash. Other Kid: I'll fuck you up let's go motherfucker. Junior begins thrasing down on buttons. Junior: Knifed bitch! Other Kid: Shit. Savannah comes in and shuts off the Xbox One. Junior: What the hell mom? Savannah: You're grounded. Junior: What? I did nothing! Jack enters the room, sweat beading down his forehead. Jack: There you are. Lego called me. You're grou- Savannah: I already grounded him. Jack: Well, okay then. Let's have a bet Junior. One that could....benefit you. Junior: I'm listening. Jack turns to Savannah and smiles. She raises her eyebrows, concerned this isn't going to end well. Jack: The deal is who can go longer without junk food. Savannah exhales, obviously pleased. Jack: If I win, you have to quit being an asshole. When Jack spits the curse word, Savannah's jaw drops. Jack: Sorry, I meant you have to quit being an arse. Savannah slaps Jack in the back of the head. Jack: Stop being such a dick. Savannah angrily walks out of the room. Junior: And if I win? Jack: I'll pay you fifty bucks and you'll be treated as an adult. Junior: Fuck yeah I'll win this shit! Savannah: Lunch! Junior and Jack exit his room and descend down the stairs. On the table was a beautiful steaming pizza. Junior: Fucking shit. Suddenly, Toon's phone went on. He looks at it. It was from his mentor and advisor, William Tonks. Something was wrong, tonight was supposed to be his night off from Bat Toon. Toon: I'll be back later.....hopefully. He jumps out the window. Sklei: What is that supposed to mean? Ermac: You're asking me? Sklei: Whatever, let's eat. Jack: Yeah Junior, let's eat. Junior weakly smiles before grabbing a carrot and crunches it. Jack begins peeling a banana and eats it. Savannah looks at him weirdly then turns away. By breakfast next morning, Jack and Junior were starving. Junior munches on a cereal bar while Jack slurps on his oatmeal. Jack: Bland as a motherfucker. Savannah whacks him with a newspaper. Junior screams. Jack: Sharkesiha is coming over to dinner tonight and apparently she has a new catchphrase. The catchphrase is: SAY WHAAAAAAAAT! He says "what" in a high-pitched voice simialir to that of Ron Burgundy from Anchorman 2: The Legend Continues. Junior: I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE! He jumps up and hurries into the fridge and takes out chocolate syrup and pours it directly into his mouth. Jack is grinning. Meanwhile on the other side of the world, a national crisis is occuring. The gun was at Putin's temple. Nick was holding it. They managed to escape the prison but Nick took Putin captive in case they needed to. And they did. Police surround them. Police Man: Let him go! We won't kill you! Terrence: Bullshit! Two men swarm in but Bruce fires at their knees with a shotgun, crippling one and killing the other. Another police officer fires but Nick swerves to face him and the bullet rips into Putin's leg. He screams. Terrence opens fire and bullets hail all around them. The group busts a door down and is out in an enormous field. Nick throws Putin who is barely unconscious into a pond and then begins sprinting to an airport. The group follows him. Three hours later... Nick spots the airport. It was empty. Micheal: We clear? Nick: We're clear. Move out. The group runs forward but blinding light flashes on them. Helicopters, boats, army soldiers all with guns aimed at them. Putin walks forward. Bob: Oh fuck. Vladimir Putin: Tonight, you dine in hell. End